Ye Of Little Faith

I have 6 years of journal pages filled with frustration, sadness, disappointment, and striving to be thin.

6 years of the same cycle, the same madness.

You know the definition of insanity?

Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

6 years of looking for the next best fix, looking for a diet that will be THE ONE. 

The one that will once and for all cure my issues with food.

Cold hard truth, sister friend, that doesn’t exist.

That void that I so longingly want to fill, the one I try and fill with food, a diet plan, exercise routine, striving for the next big goal, can only be filled by the One who was meant to bring me true, everlasting peace. 

Only God is meant to fill the deepest, darkest, empty spaces within our hearts. 

I’ve tried giving my food choices and body image issues to God before and failed.

Why? 

In the midst of letting go of the diet plan came weight gain, low self esteem, body image issues, more frustration, shame, guilt, and a need for the weight to disappear.

Then comes the next diet that looks like a good fit.

The one that promises to get me results and get it fast.

I have a choice in this pendulum swing, a choice to lean in or duck out.

Lean it to God, His plan, listening to my body, what I need, what hunger feels like and how to fill that hunger in a way that leaves me content, at peace, and full. Learning how to eat again without guidelines, rules, and restrictions…

OR let someone else tell me what to eat, when, how much, regardless of whether I am satiated in that food or not.

When I run to the next diet, I am essentially telling God that my ways are better, I can do it on my own, I don’t need Him.

I basically tell Him He isn’t enough.

Lack of belief in the past had me searching and striving yet again. 

Striving for worldly acceptance, a worldly body image, and worldly accolades.  

I’ve allowed this vicious cycle to continue…on again, off again, yo-yo, and rollercoaster ride after roller coaster ride, only to crash and burn and be right back where I started.

I am currently at the very same crossroads I’ve ventured in the past.

Will I choose to lean in or bail? 

Will I choose once and for all to let go and lay it down?

Will I choose to find peace in who I am, what my body looks like, and who He has created me to be?

Or will I continue to strive for what the world says is good, beautiful, healthy, worthy?

I choose peace.

For me and for my family.

I choose to let go of the diet plan because for the past 6 years my daughter has watched her mother loathe the image she sees in the mirror. She hears the names I call myself. She sees the constant need for more, that good is never good enough. This is a cross I never want her to bare!

I choose to let go because I cringe when my kids ask me if I can or cannot eat something. I want them to know that God has declared all foods clean and eating those foods is a choice that I get to make, not because a diet plan tells me I can or cannot have it. 

I choose to let go because going to bed hungry and not sleeping because of that hunger doesn’t make me the best mother I can be.

I choose to let go because the lack of a period, numbness and tingling in my left arm, hair loss, and brittle nails is a sign that I have gone way too far. My body and it’s organs are literally shutting down.

I choose to let go because it’s stealing my joy, my focus and attention, and keeping me from the blessings God has gifted me with.

I choose to get it RIGHT once and for all because this burden can and will be taken from me when I stop the madness and let God work all things out for my good. A promise that He gives us all. 

I choose to let God fill my feelings of unworthiness with His biblical truths. He calls me chosen, set apart, redeemed, renewed, a new creation, fully loved, accepted, perfect and complete, lacking nothing. 

I will fight this battle. It promises to be a difficult one, but I will not battle alone. He is with me, for me, and is victorious if I let Him be.